Crashed Out

Dreams drift into expectations, expectations into another whipping post to flog myself on. My writing has held true for 61 short weeks. I understand the normality of my human folly and furthermore, it was intentional. One late day to remind me of the beautiful rock I have conjured into my existence, but no sooner did I find refuge on this rock did I notice the island beyond. My little rock is no longer enough, and I hate myself for achieving such puny dreams. Back to the vast ocean, for certain death must be headed straight on. Who are you calling a chicken?

If Rainer is a lifetime summit, I wish you luck on the slog down. Among the multitude of my failures this week was taking the easy way down, Disappointment Cleaver. The goal has always been Rainer, but when I topped out, the mountain seemed a whole lot smaller. By the law of ride, re-ride, free ride, I understood I should walk this mountain before I ski it, so that was not the crux. The issue was the pure simplicity of it all. Are my dreams as simple as a long walk? Is there no adversity on this earth outside of my own skin? Maybe the windmills are giants after all.

By the laws of average, I have achieved the perfect weekend. A Rainer summit followed by the Mount Hood summer solstice party. The grandest sunset in the world. And yet I cry, lord why? Maybe there is no summit, after all the climb down is where we die. It is through adversity that we rise above all. What is left then but to nail yourself to the cross? Now here you sit, with nails through your limbs and nothing but death ahead. You wonder when the final exaltation will come, or was it when the nails pieced your flesh? Or possibly the moment in which you know it is all lost. Could it be upon the sweet release of death itself? Dare I say there is no summit at all? As I reminisce, I fall into a well of sadness, but to anticipate is to call upon anxiety. Is it possible that all that matters is here and now? Not my past mistakes or my future successes, but my existence in my own skin? It is the questions we ask, all these whys, that kill us. But where are we going? Have faith, we are almost there.