Pebbles

              I was told that you cannot find yourself when traveling, but you can only leave little pieces of yourself behind. A lonesome truth to some, those aimlessly drifting, however I find solace in a world that expects nothing of me. Moments and emotions are scattered, the bright and happy, the melancholy and sad. Life’s a balance, it would be foolish to tip the scales and tempt fate. Us introverts crave isolation and require detachment to nourish our souls. During my childhood I used to focus on my sad thoughts, those of depression and loneliness. Those feelings would muddle with depression and self-hatred, but there was always an underlying current of satisfaction wallowing about. Thinking myself alone brought me comfort when I was sad. We are born into this world alone, and alone we die. I hear that lonesome whistle blow.   

              I understand the feeling of nothing, for in essence, it is all I am. I am a part of the billions and beyond. Insignificant to the world and nothing to the universe. Is this a sad thought or a simple nod to nihilism? In our world of “making it” and “finding meaning”, the idea that we boil down into nothing is a tough nugget to swallow. Maybe you don’t believe me, but as a fly in the hayfield, I can’t tell you why the wind blows. I know I am very small and death will do me part. Existing in a place of nothing sets me a drift into a meaningless world that wants me to admit to feelings of grandeur and total control. The dissonance between me and my fellow humans is sad, for I will never fit in. The divide allows me to live in utter freedom, for my ties have been completely severed from the fabric of the social structure.  

              I don’t ski in Kashmir to sniff out powder stashes, nor do I reach into the darkest depths of Mexico for lore. It is an exercise of free will, what will this world allow me to do? Spiritually, I travel alone. I trust in the universe while placing myself into unpredictable situations, and like the chaos of the ocean upon a rocky shore, I flourish. The universe is too powerful and I am far too small, so why would I want to predict the outcome when fate is far more beautiful? As the waves pull back, the rocks glimmer in sea foam and the light crackling of pebbles drawn out to sea tickles my ears.