The Feminine Side of Me

The masculine urge to grab the bull by the nose and skewer him with my bare hands. Men love to accomplish tasks such as slaying dragons, forging our path as the master of the universe, or beating down swarms of enemies with a single blow. Adversity is nothing in the blind confidence and obsession of a young man. However, it is the wise old sage guiding the tribe towards safety and longevity. Someone must slay the beast, but it is wisdom that maintains harmony in the universe.

So, what does the wise old sage know that we, young bucks, do not? The universe is cyclical, the heart’s ventricles pump while the atria receive. Never has one lived without the other, and the heart exists only as a singular unit. If we do not admit that we are a duality, two hands of the moving universe, then how can we understand our place in this big old world? Good and evil is taught through religion or when you get your ass kicked in the locker room for no reason. You come from the love of your mother into a world of monkey beats monkey for banana. The two worlds that we live in merge into adulthood, and we must find harmony in a balance of our selfish behaviors and the love we have to share. The discord of the universe rocks the boat, sometimes evil ends on top, other times good. Another balancing act that acts upon us is that of masculine and feminine energy. Like good and evil, there is some of both in us all, and our reciprocation of energy allows us to understand each other and work in a cohesive society. As the heart beats, the body breathes.

While the enemy is warded off, someone needs to hold down the home front. Monkey brain in the trenches hits and bites, for he has no other choice. Only the moment exists in his universe, but the future is what is the home front. The next generation of existence, knowledge, love. The future is one for both of these realities so they coexist together.

The great outdoors is where I find the best opportunities to practice the art of balance. He is where the real world operates outside the confines of the human box. Where we have the freedom to operate in the midst of perfection. Recently, today, I was leading a climb that tore down the remaining shreds of manhood I had left after choosing to do a sport I actively suck at. For those who don't know, to lead a climb you set anchors to protect your fall. But to set the next anchor you must advance past the last, and in this time between, you are in danger of falling to your last anchor. A big lead fall is referred to as a whipper, but you get your ass fucking whipped if you do fall. I am not yet, but watch you shall, a big climber, so to lead climbing today was too say the least, a challenge. I saw the next bolt I needed to clip to. Ten feet above me, 8 feet to the side. Not a small fall. And I backed out and chose not to complete the climb. It feels emasculating to admit to this, but as I have gotten older, and dare say wiser, I chose to choose other battles. No need to beat myself up. No need to press one. Here I did my best, and I did it safely. I would like to climb my entire life, and these are the choices I must make.

To get to these places in my life I must take risks. Chances on climbing big objectives, trying new things, putting myself out there. But there is a balance, and that is safety and the bigger picture. This is a state of mind we must always have in places of consequence. We should only go as big as we are safe. Not only us, but our family, our climbing family. We operate as a group, and must treat such groups as family because we need each other to survive. One heart, one beat, one breath. To move forward as a human, a family, and society, we must embrace not only the push but the pull. One must pump for the other to receive. We must take a deeper look into ourselves, both the masculine and the feminine. For the sake of family.