Patriots in Paris

The Wall Street Journal riled me up this week. Fearmongering is their business model, so I was taken by no surprise when I felt the urge to set the author’s house on fire while I read their ignorant and American-political-centered trash. Good points were made; other countries do hate American tourists. Fair, we love our little wars, and Green Bay Packers fans are obnoxious by any standard. But this time the bag-headed journalist tried to smooth over their reader’s brain with a consolation prize. A bullet list of travel tips was tacked on, assisting the poor reader in facing racism overseas. Learn key phrases like “I’m on vacation!” to avoid conversations about genocide, and dress for the weather, not your selfies. If this advice is useful for you, one, you are not reading this, two, you might as well die of pneumonia on the Amalfi Coast.

While I am hatemongering on fearmongering, I have another point I must make. American politics may have a small role on our social status globally, but nine out of ten times there is discrimination, it is because you suck. Last month in Chile I met an American in the lift line at Valle Nevado. While he was at least a dozen spots ahead, I was recognized instantly, and he began shouting something about the “Big Game” and his allegiance to the Patriots. I did not give a shit, nor did anyone else. He felt a strong anti-American sentiment, to no fault of his own. People do not care where you are from, but who you are as a person. Respect and kindness are recognized globally.

I will conclude with constructive travel advice. From spending the night on the streets of Paris to getting robbed by the police of Morelia, I have learned a few lessons. I leave you with these.

~ Pack less than you need and never check baggage. Buying clothes upon arrival helps you fit in with the locals and brings culture to your closet back home. Also, if you need to change hotels or make an impromptu side quest, the less luggage, the more is possible. Need I mention checked bags do not always make it to their destination?

~ Forgo the itinerary. Sure, the Taj Mahal is worth the trek, and you will not regret visiting Mykonos. But the true experiences come from local recommendations. Talk to the shop owner, your driver, or tour guide. While everyone wants to visit Time Square and the Empire State Building, a local recommendation with find you dancing all night at Studio 151 or orgasming over a bowl of pho at Nón Lá.

~ Hide money strategically. I keep a couple of large bills inside my phone case, which has come in handy more times than I can count. This also mitigates flashing a large amount of money while buying a bottle of water or Eiffel Tower key chain. I keep enough money for the day in my fanny pack and sometimes go as far as hide more on my person if I am making a large purchase. Diversity is key, if you get pick pocketed or someone cuts your bag off, make sure they do not make off with all your eggs.

~ At night, extra caution must be exercised. Restaurants and shops will close without warning, so do not get caught off guard with nobody around to help. Stick to busy and well-lit streets. In developing counties, your wallet or phone may be worth a month of wages, or more. In high-risk areas do not loiter, for time is a thief’s best friend. If others are not around, you certainly should not be either.