Good Bye, Ball

       Golf is boring, and so are you. To the untrained eye, golf is as interesting as your high school paper on James Garfield's foreign policy. A dumb game for your dull brain. It is not two objects of chance fighting for victory, but man vs himself. He ignores his inherent imperfections, scoffing at God himself. There is a crisp thwack on contact, man to club, club to ball. In this moment he touches perfection and immortality. He is God. If you have never had this encounter, continue throwing peanuts at monkey ball.

        Anything on TV that has you jumping up and down like a damn ape, cheering for one side to pummel the other, only stimulates the bottom of your brain stem. Nothing more. Never in the history of mankind has there been so many ways to wrinkle up your time and wipe your ass with it. Watching football and placing a losing parlay on the school you wish you went to. Flipping a coin and drinking when you lose. Cheering on two politicians as they battle for the rights to bomb a third world country and fuck the poor. But for golf, your monkey brain shuts off. If that is the only brain you have, now you know. Do you have a couple of synapses still firing? Congrats, get your ass out to a golf course and find your God.

        The sport of golf is not only fucking difficult, but there are dress codes and a long list of etiquettes. These formalities may feel restricting… to a pig. If past generations dressed up to shoot each other upon any disagreement, you could donate your graphic tee to Goodwill and start acting like an adult. These guidelines are not to exclude, but to maintain a standard, as in any respectful organization. Investment bankers wear suits; judges follow the due process of the law. Etiquette is what your mother teaches, and you slowly understand over time. Why can’t I put my elbow on the table when I eat? Why must the player with the least strokes tee off first? Ours is to not question why, ours it but to do and die. You will understand later if your skull is not too thick for culture and wisdom to penetrate it. You bring up a good point (if you are slow), traditions change over time, so the etiquette of the past may not reflect the future. So why do I need to respect something that I do not agree with and may change? As far as etiquette is not harmful or discriminatory, it is about abiding by one set of rules to ensure cohesion. If the United States converted to a society that distributed wealth equally among all over night, I can assure you many people would die, there would be a collapse, and the strong/wealthy would soon be back in power. With patience, good prevails. Over time we have abolished slavery, and we continue to give women equal opportunity. Like rules, etiquette changes over time. Many of the golf standards are not only intimidating to new or handicapped players, but in the case of some private clubs, they are completely exclusionary. Fuck you, I can share my opinions.        

        Golf is a game of perfection. For example, the perfection of the human, the soul, does not happen in one big play. You cannot acquire it though a single, novel idea. It is the repetition of excellence. To become a kind person, you must act like one. Hold open the door for others, smile at a stranger, help a lady who dropped her purse. Little actions, when practiced all the time, over your entire life, near perfection. In golf, you must be intentional in practice and play. Where do I place the ball? How do I feel when I swing the club? Drive, learn, strike, learn, chip, learn, putt, learn. Repeat this a billion times. Now you will no longer have to claim an “off day” when you play. Unfortunately, this will not improve your relationships, or your driving ability. But everyone knows a 300-yard drive will impress your boss.