The Tale of Muscle Hamster

Muscle Hamster is a legend. His famous Arnold bench and countless “Penis Game” titles leave people in wonder. Some may know him as a celebrated trombonist, some as the pioneer of hot sauce exploration. He has outrun a police helicopter on foot and is the only observed human who scientifically does not require sleep. I know him as a best friend, and I am here to unveil the bandito behind the mask. Some say his accomplishments are a ploy for attention, and some even refuse to believe them; I pity the fools. I can tell you this is not even the tip of the iceberg, for I was there.

We must start with his genesis. He was born to two loving parents and a comfortable middle-class lifestyle. Life was smooth sailing until the age of two, when his family packed up and left for the land of opportunity. How they managed to smuggle the child across the border is unknown. Witnesses have come forth insisting they saw the child in a dead hang from the wheel of an airplane, while others say he was packed into a kilo of cocaine that floated across the river. The truth remains shrouded in mystery, but I can tell you these are conservative theories. Nothing short of a miraculous child, he ripped a dart shortly before his first words, “Send it.” His journey turned for the worse, heading down a dark and treacherous path. His father passed away, leaving his wife and child to fend for themselves. At first, Muscle Hamster could not accept reality. He spent his days hiding from the world, refusing to leave the gym.

It was not until he watched the first season of Demon Slayer that he realized he must save his family. He must embark on the journey, no matter how impossible. His mother did not speak the native tongue of the land and struggled to put food on the table. The legal system frowned upon this family and did all in their power to kick them down, but this did not stop our hero. While attending grade school full time, he was crunching budgets on Excel and working 40-hour work weeks. The government did not approve of his family’s legal status, nor an underage child supporting his mother. While finding a job was not a simple feat, he chanced upon a sympathetic employer who put themselves at risk to help this poor family. While he managed to pay rent and bring stability to his family, he knew the government was tight on his heels. He knew he must be proactive and began spending his lunch hour seeking programs that might shield him from the government. He filed paperwork and sent out emails. He began working out rigorously, doubling his body mass in a matter of months. It was as if he knew there was a showdown soon to come. When time came to face the law, he would be ready.

Then came the community shattering news. Law enforcement was going to crack down on immigrants. Under the name of ICE, the country was being swept. If Muscle Hamster and his mother made one wrong move, they would be no more. While kept under wraps, I have been informed they spearheaded the assassination of Osama Bin Laden, and have been drowning little children in cages. ICE is not a force to be reckoned with. Little is known about the battle between Muscle Hamster and ICE, for he was too proud to admit the struggle. He was showing up to class in the morning with the faraway look of exhaustion, and sometimes not at all. He told us the marks on his body were from wrestling practice, but I am not so sure.

I passed him in the hallway one morning, and I could not help noticing a grin of victory across his face, “We won” is all he said. I looked back as he strode past me, he had a limp and a bundle of papers clenched in his grasp. All I could see was the letters DACA printed on the title page. I am not a policy guru, but it seems this document must have powerful properties. Things were looking brighter, and while his road to citizenship and safety was not promised, the worst was over. The weight of the world was lifted off his shoulders. The next decade was filled with adventure, with only occasional mishaps. When we were trespassing on the Vance Creek bridge, a helicopter started circling us. He was the first one out, citing some deal he made with the devil. Through college, he had to hold a full-time job, for having a loan was not an option. It must have been another one of those devil deals.

Our hero made it to college graduation, which is one hell of a miracle. His future is ours to see, maybe solving the homeless issue, re-liberating Libya, or using his brute strength to bend time. While his blood may be spicier and his pecs bigger, but he is still mortal. Muscle Hamster was forged through grit and hardship but still needs love and compassion. As you look in disbelief, remember the journey that our hero endured. When life gets tough, remember that even hamsters get stuck in the loop.